some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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