I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
