So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
