i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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