I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
