He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
