I met the friendliest cop last night
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
