The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
