fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
