i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
