Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
