i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
