Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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