Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
