Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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