Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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