we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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