Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
