Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
