Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
