i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
