I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
