what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
