I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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