I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
