the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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