I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
