My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
