i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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