When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
