guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He passed out mid-signature
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
