Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
