Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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