She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
