If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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