Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
