Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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