Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
