that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
