You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
