Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
