U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
