if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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