Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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