The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just invented taco cereal.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
