That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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