just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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