I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
