You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
