She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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